In a class I teach each fall for a group of freshmen who have been top leaders in high school (all very successful students) only a few have a clear idea of why they are in college. Most when asked the question respond “because my parents expected me to be here”. Although we do want our students to take advantage of this chance, I suppose we all know that the most motivated (and ultimately the most successful) students have some pretty well defined personal goals. And those goals exist apart from all of our wishes and desires for our child’s long-term success.
Overall our job is to prepare our children for a life of independence in which they achieve their own success – not ours. There is considerable evidence, in an effort to protect our children from conflicts and failures, as a nation we are making our children fragile. Failure to let go prevents your child from learning how to manage for themselves and prevents your child from learning how to manage stress, it produces anxiety and says to your child that you truly are not capable of success.
Alternately college can be a time to push our children gently from the nest and allow them to suffer or enjoy the consequences of their decisions, in part because a college campus is a really good place to learn from a mistake. It’s a much softer place than the “real world”. We need to exercise a careful balance of encouraging independence, while offering support, but making sure we don’t take over.
Now we at MUW recognize that no one knows your child better than you do, but here are some suggestions for good dinner table conversations;
- Recognize the changing child - parent relationship
- Listen more than lecture
- Let them take increasing responsibility for their own schedule
- Talk (but avoid lecturing) about alcohol and drug use and their personal values
- Help set reasonable expectations
- Talk with them (not at them) about their life goals and how the college experience is important to that end.
Don’t force the conversation, just be ready when the opportunity arises. And remember your job is to listen more than lecture. Make your points few, but important.
The essential thing is to be a key resource and to position yourself to remain engaged in the conversation. Because we see your children when you’re not around, we know how much they respect you and desire your approval. What they want most is to know you are there when they need you.
